Before I became a comedian I was in the marketing and ad business. I wanted to do something creative and decided that marketing just might be the thing. Well sorta, kinda, not really. There was a shit tonne of passive aggressive behaviour firing off in all directions which the business world is predicated on. Don’t get me wrong the creative people I worked with were brilliant but the minute a great concept got in front of the ‘client’ forget about it. They’d find a way to suck the life out of it. You had the odd client that was enlightened but most of the time they were living in Delusionville or Duncetown or Stupid Bay. One time a client asked if we could make the very white man in our brochure more Asian. No problem. Nothing a magic marker can’t fix.
Then there were the people I worked with. Shit. Some serious assblasts. Once I worked for a woman named Jennifer and that’s when my stomach problems began. She bullied her way into my guts and I didn’t know how to fight back. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my job. This chick wasn’t right. I mean she would sit on the phone and erase and re-record voicemails to this one client for a half hour at a time. Stuart and Ted if you’re reading this, it was you. I was so happy the day she left our office. What a huge relief. I actually ran into her the other day at Joe Fresh. It was as though she knew I put her name to virtual paper. She’s no longer in the business. She just teaches and says she loves it. I believe her. She said the business didn’t make her happy and she knew that her behaviour ruined a lot of people’s days. Well Jennifer you ruined my stomach. I’m just getting over it now.
This is why I do a lot of jokes about advertisements. I spent so much time listening to and being surrounded by bullshitters that I can smell their bologna from a mile away.
So here we are… October 2015 and I’m re-launching my blog about ads that I find ridiculous. Oh yeah. I started my blog a year ago called Sandra Battaglini’s World and then I stopped cause I was like what the heck am I gonna keep talking about. Which is ridiculous, cause I’m always talking. I have three blog entries. One was about Febreeze, the other was about how a mom called me a fat cunt in front of the Value Village in Leslieville and the last one was about a stand-off I had with a cross-eyed kid in Woodbridge that culminated in me asking her, “What are you lookin at?” I honestly didn’t know she was cross eyed at first. I thought she was giving me the evil eye. Turned out it was the evil cross eye. Please read them.
I’m gonna start with U By Kotex Barely There® Liners.
Feminine protection ads always turn my brains inside out. The premise behind most of these ads is about hiding or pretending that women don’t get their periods.
The product description goes like this:
It’s a liner so thin and flexible, you might forget you’re wearing it.
Let’s be real. What woman forgets she has cotton swab between her thighs? Unless she’s been hit in the face by a subway car, then I’ll give her some slack. But otherwise, get it together. It’s annoying sure but the good news is you’re not pregnant the bad news… you’re paying for it in blood. What a cruel injustice.
Then comes the features and benefits part… key in any marketing campaign.
1. Sheer sides keep everything in place and are virtually undetectable.
Undetectable by who? A border agent?
Border Agent: Ma’am can you step aside, we need to examine what you’re packing in your underwear.
Me: It’s just a shield and some heat!
Border Agent: Are you a warrior?
Me: Yeah bro. Every month I’m warring against the fury of my womb.
Border Agent: And the heat?
Me: I just got a hot puss. It’s science.
2. Super thin and flexible to fit any undies (you might forget you’re wearing it)
Again with the forget. C’mon. I don’t have dementia and most women during their menstruating years don’t either. Read a book.
3. Cool patterns and colors help you escape boring period protection.
Oh of course. I forgot how BORED I am when I reach for a pad or a tampon. I yawn at the entire blood bath. NO!!!! I cramp bro! CRAMP. Which isn’t boring. It’s painful. And I don’t think all those cool patterns and colours are good for our vaginas.
In fact… now for the BAD NEWS. Each conventional sanitary pad contains the equivalent of 4 plastic bags, according to Andrea Donsky, author of Label Lessons. Four plastic bags would hold a lot of period. So what I’m thinking is just wear one plastic bag instead of wearing pads or tampons. It’s cheaper and you’re kind of recycling. You can empty it out in the sink when it fills up. Kind of like the Diva Cup but a bag… the Diva Bag.
In tests where they burned an organic pad and an Always pad, the organic one burned slowly and left hardly any residue whereas the Always pad created lots of black smoke and thick residue. Black smoke? Ewww. That’s like hosting a papal conclave in your drawers. We’re absorbing this ladies. Switch to organic.
Dr. Mercola says, “tampons and pads with odor neutralizers and other artificial fragrances are nothing short of a chemical soup laced with artificial colors, polyester, adhesives, polyethylene, polypropylene, contaminants linked to hormone disruption, cancer, birth defects, dryness and infertility.” I like most soup. Who doesn’t. But I’ve never been a fan of polyester soup. It’s very unimaginative and shows a complete disregard for the abundant ingredients that already exist in the food chain.
So Kotex your Barely There® Liners are in fact VERY THERE. They may be super thin but they’re super intoxicated.